It’s okay to say “no”!

How many of us have ever walked into a situation that we didn’t want to be in in the first place? We may  have initially wanted to, but going into the play, we just would rather do something else. It may not be anything that the potential partner may have done, simply we just change our want, but yet, we force ourselves to continue to participate in an activity.

It’s okay to say “no”! It’s not always easy to  be honest, but it’s the best route to take. We all are in the lifestyle for many reasons, and I think we can all agree that sex, overall should be fun and 100% consensual between both parties and ourselves.

Forcing ourselves into a situation will not result in you finding happiness from the experience, in fact, in some cases the exact opposite. In some cases, it can even leave you wishing you had done something else or even worse, you regret everything.

However, let’s take a look at why we may still force activities on ourselves when we don’t want to participate in the first place. We’re too considerate of our potential partner’s feelings. We put their needs and happiness before our own. I feel like this is a common thing in many different types of relationships, from romantic, sexual and even professional. Kelley will sometimes give into my overly high sex drive because she doesn’t want to tell me “no”.  

Even if I was to leave that experience completely fulfilled, no pun intended, overall, she’s not. She’s not going to enjoy it regardless of what I may do even if it normally pleases her. Emotionally, she’s just not there. That’s not okay.

Sex is supposed to fulfil some level of happiness between two or more people, when one person is just not into it, chances are they will never enjoy the experience, plain and simple. If you’re just not into it, it’s best to say so. Eventually over time, your partner will start to figure it out, or it may come out in a therapeutic discussion and make your partner remorseful, because they shouldn’t want you to do anything that won’t bring you true happiness. Isn’t that what we’re all after: Happiness and acceptance.

Another potential reason why we can’t say “no” is that we’re afraid our partner won’t accept us. I wish I could say it’s as simple as, if they love you, they’ll accept you, but that is not always the case. How many times has a relationship ended because you love someone, but you just can’t accept something about them, whether it’s the way they do something, how they act, or maybe your love languages just don’t match up. It may be  a case where you’re just not with the right partner.

At the same time, let’s say that you’re in a non monogamous relationship and have already established your love, trust and acceptance with your main partner, spouse, or significant other. Let’s say that you’re going on a play date regardless if it’s together or separate, and going in you just don’t feel the desire any more. You already have a partner at home who already loves and accepts you for the person that you really truly are; so now it could simply be a case of pressure.

Pressure can come from anywhere, in any situation. That’s never a good thing and far from it. Anytime there is pressure to do something, it stops being consensual. In that moment, you should get out of the environment and get into one that is consensual, I.E. cuddling with your main partner, spouse, or significant other (or all of the above).

Since the summer after my first year at university, I’ve been happiness driven. So anytime Kelley tells me she doesn’t want to do something, even if she tells me, “I don’t want to go to work” my answer is always, “…so don’t”. Even if she tells me, “Adam, I don’t wanna go to that dinner party, I just wanna stay home”. My response will always be “So stay home”.

Recently, Kelley had a scenario with a play date where she told me that she didn’t wanna go.  So I told her not to go on the play date, so she didn’t. Thankfully so! You should never want your partners, or even yourself to do anything they don’t want to do.

A few days later, she told me that she had been feeling the want and desire to stop playing alone for a couple days. Not permanently, but she’s been working a lot more than normal and we haven’t had a lot of us time. Not that I’m tooting my own horn, but, now I’m really glad that she didn’t go on that play date. It could have turned out to be a really bad experience for her, even if the partner was a respectable and nice person. Which could have damaged her emotional self esteem. Which leads me to my last point: Knowing your worth.

If you’re out there having sex, it’s hopefully because you actively want to have a great experience. Unfortunately Often times, women are treated like pieces of meat, which is a lie to their self esteem. Women are not a piece of meat, they’re not cheap steaks, they’re people, they’re individuals who should be treated as such. Regardless of how you identify your gender, you’re worth so much more than a sexual encounter that you’re not going to enjoy. You’re worth so much more than a terrible person. You’re worth so much more than a douchey fuck boy who is disrespecting you to try to get in your pants. You’re worth so much more.

All in all, I’m not sure that this article will help, but I hope it helps you to learn the power of the word “no”. I also hope that every encounter you agree to participate in is one where you’re accepting truly out of happiness. If not, I hope you run the hell away.